


Operation: GET HIM LAID PLEASE

by 2091shadowmew



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-27 19:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1719566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2091shadowmew/pseuds/2091shadowmew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thinking she won't understand what he's saying and just wanting to get it off his chest, Kankri confides in Damara that he actually does want to start dating someone. Luckily, or regrettably, for him she completely understands and decides to help him find his one true love...or anyone willing to take him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Operation: Start!

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt for this fic is from the homesmutkinkmeme over here http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39716.html?thread=45560356  
> I'm going to be adding character tags as I go. Revealing who he ends up with would kind of ruin the story so that will be added at the very end!  
> Hope you enjoy anyways!  
> You may want to have google translate open at all times while reading, this fic does contain a heavy dose of Damara after all.

With eyes glazed over, she leaned against the blue hued trunk of a thick tree. Pink leaves fell slowly down from where the trees met the skies. The urge to sigh came again as the other’s inflection changed once again, but she had expressed her exasperation so many times already she felt there was no more use.

“…Plus it is not as if everyone actually has urges like those, sexual I mean. To exclude those who identify as asexual, demisexual, or otherwise when talking about topics such as these is blatantly incorrect as well as harmful to those individuals in…” 

Did this boy’s mouth ever stop flapping? Damara could easily think of a multitude of better uses for his mouth than whatever nonsense he was spewing. Why he came to her to preach was confusing to her. Damara had a good understanding of Western beforun, what she didn’t learn while she was alive she learned while she was dead. She’s been dead long enough to learn all the necessities, the profanities, and everything in between. But he didn’t know that. Most of her so called friends didn’t. 

She thought that maybe if he believed she didn’t understand what he was saying, he would leave. But there he stood. Talking continuously about nothing, everything, mostly nothing.

“…I mean, it’s not as if I want that specifically. Anything would do really –well not anything! Quite obviously I have my own set of qualifications and standards, it’s certainly not as if I’m some sort of hussy. Not as if there is anything wrong with playing the field or engaging in sexual or romantic behavior with multiple individuals at once what with our quadrant system as long as your other quadrant mates are comfortable with whatever you are doing…”

She raised an eyebrow. He’d been down-talking sexual behavior for about an hour now, but this seemed to be taking an interesting turn? Talking about himself –okay that is not too much of a shocker in and of itself.

“…But, I don’t know, I’ve been going on with this celibacy for so very long now. It would be nice to have a matesprit, or a quadrant mate of some sort. Goodness though, getting back into the field –getting into the field at all, fuck getting back if I was never present in the first place –is going to be difficult if I do so at all.”

Damara looked up at him, titling her head to the side slightly. His cheeks were lightly dusted with his mutant blood and he gripped at the end of the sleeve of his sweater. She pursed her lips, eyebrows knotting as she scanned him. He continued to babble on about the nigh-impossibility of himself ever finding anyone after his existence as a perfect and pure individual with a very strict vow of celibacy. 

“You want date?” Damara interrupted hastily, after confirming that he wasn’t attempting to pull some sort of sick joke.

His body started suddenly, and he eyed her, eyes widened. The flush on his cheeks grew and she noticed some appear on his ears.

“Pardon me?”

“You say you want date, yeah?” She repositioned herself, standing up as straight as possible.

“I ,” he stood and shook himself out of his shock, “Damara, I did not realize that you were actually…listening. Most individuals would have zoned out by now, as much as I would rather not admit that. You are surprisingly good at keeping up with my sermons. Not that there are not others that also fit that description, the word surprisingly after all implies that you are alone in this characterization. And I am not meaning to belittle you or my prior impression of you which I assure you were not in any way shape or form bad but-”

“You say you want date or not?”

Kankri looked away and then shifted and looked back at her. He rubbed at his arm in silence. She crossed her arms as the time passed, creases forming at the edges of her eyes. Biting his lip, he nodded slowly. She grabbed both of his hands and smiled.

“Then date is what you get!”

She let go of one of his hands and began leading him quickly out of the forest. He sputtered as she dragged him along. Sputtering was better than yapping. The less time she spent with this idiot the better. What better way to get him off her hands than a good lay? She certainly couldn’t think of a better option! Plus a getting him laid would probably mellow the wired troll down like crazy, a mellowed out, less yappy Kankri seemed so much more attractive than the one she currently had by the wrist.

“Damara Megido! Stop tugging at my –ow! What do you think you’re –OW! Stop clutching my wrist so hard and cease this foolishness! I am a grown troll, I can walk for myself without you holding my hand, thank you very much.”

“You slow まぬけ!” Irritably looking around for anyone at all she ventured on with little recognition for the troll she had captive. Looking around frantically she finally saw someone,“ ああよかった！さあ！さあ！” 

“Damara please!”

“Cronus! クイック、彼を取る！私は彼が良いファックでお約束します！[はい]、それを好きですか？”


	2. Enter the loves of your life!

“Cronus! クイック、彼を取る！私は彼が良いファックでお約束します！[はい]、それを好きですか？” 

“Hey sweet thing, you’re going to have to lay off the east beforun, you know I can’t understand that,” Cronus looked behind the oddly smiling troll as Kankri settled himself, rubbing at his wrist, “Legs! Didn’t think you and this sweet little kitten hung out together.”

“We do not,” Kankri inspected his wrist carefully, “and we’ve had this conversation numerous times before, Cronus, you know not to call me that.”

“Right, right, kind of hard to help it though. Kitten, you know what I’m talking about right? Look at those things.”

“はい、彼はいい脚を持っています。これは議論の話題ではありません。” She looked at him and smiled pleasantly, “あなたが行くと、今、彼をファック！”

“See, Damara knows what I’m saying! You got a real pair on you.” Cronus grinned, taking the wand’s shard from his mouth. 

“You have no idea what she’s saying.” 

Damara swayed her arms and motioned toward Cronus. Kankri cocked his head and squinted at her motions. She quickly gave a thumbs up and began to inch away. Kankri looked at her perplexed as she started to sway away from the two. Cronus started speaking and Kankri tried to keep attention on both of them but eventually the effort was futile and he had to focus on Cronus instead. 

She sighed in relief as the two were now out of sight and out of mind. Damara was obviously the shipping master. Her skills outranked those of all the Leijons in every possible timeline combined. She made a point to herself to go to Meulin and demand the crown that was rightfully hers, regardless of whether this crown existed or not. Meulin would have no idea what she was speaking about but she would do it regardless.

As she began to get further away she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around and saw Kankri again, staring at her, seemingly cross. She just set him up with one of dream bubble’s finest single bachelors, what was his problem? He took his hand away from her and wiped it on his sweater. She looked back for Cronus, who was walking off. Looking back at Kankri she pursed her lips and tilted her head. 

“You no want date? あなたは素敵な強打をしたいですか？ yesまたはno？簡単な質問あなたダムのダム。”

“What? I- yes, I do. But please, not so loud, I would rather I break it to others slowly than for them to hear it for themselves and spread some unseemly rumor about what I have or have not been doing sexually. Now, why exactly did you drag me all the way here and then leave me with Cronus of all people? I realize you are from another area with other types of tradition but don’t you think that’s kind of rude? You can talk in western Beforun. You could have left me with an explanation. That is unless-“

“Date.”

“Yes I want to be with someone romantically. I get that this may come as a shock but you must be reasonable about this. People change their minds or intentions all the time and – wait. Were you….were you trying to set me up just now? With Cronus?”

“…Maybe?” 

He scoffed and threw his arms up, “Of course you were, because that’s what I deserve by this point huh? Is that what you think? I may not have much experience but I have known our friends for as long or perhaps longer in some cases than you have, and I would rather not stoop that low. So thanks for your “help”, but I think I can handle this myself after seeing your sad atempt.”

“You’re welcome,” she said shrugging. This is working out better than she thought, not only is he leaving but he’s going to get laid on his own. Way to go tiger. 

Except he wasn’t going anywhere. He stood there, peering around uneasily. After a few moments of Damara attempting to inch her way back to a silent freedom Kaknri coughed. In a quiet voice he began,

“You know, Damara, you probably do have more experience than I do. I don’t even know how to begin with these situations. Granted, I am thankful that you spoke in eastern beforun in your first attempt because I can only imagine how difficult it would have been to get Cronus off of my back had you said, whatever it is you said, in western beforun. I think perhaps, you should try and speak clearly to everyone else,” he twined some of his hair around a finger, “Well other than Rufioh, since he can understand you no matter what. I suppose.”

She promptly slapped his arm, to which he gave a start and a small noise of irritation, “Rufioh no deserve your sweet ass. He already got one. He is one. No.” 

“…Thanks?”

“Yes. See I look out for you,” giving a ginger pat to the area she hit, she smiled, “No Cronus. No Rufioh. You no like creeps. But everyone creep. Who do you want? I get you that! それから、あなたはそれらをファックします。あなたは素敵な長い性交を取得します！ビッグディックとビッグ膣！それとも、小さいものに興味があれば、私はあなたをあまりにも得ることができます。”

“Damara, I do not mean to trigger you by this in anyway, as I can see how some could take this as an exclusionist and racist comment, but if you could speak in a language I could understand when speaking with me as much as possible that would really make this situation a whole lot simpler. I digress, onto your question. As I said earlier, I am not too picky, but of course I have my standards. I’m not too partial to which quadrant I gain, each have their own requirements mind you and are fairly different. You wouldn’t want an overly violent oaf in your red quadrants after all –well unless you find that appealing in that way which is…”

_Damara you doof, don’t ask him questions! Never ask him anything!_ she thought to herself, wincing. Even if she herself was opposed to Kankri shacking it up with her former matesprit it didn’t mean Kankri wasn’t. Rufioh is hard to resist for any living being in paradox space however, so that didn’t give her too much to work with when trying to figure out what he would find ‘okay’. She went through the options, Latula and Mituna were both taken by each other but both of their black quadrants were free. Correcting herself quickly she decided that would probably a bad idea too, she eavesdropped on some conversation between Porrim and some such that Kankri was fond of Latula. Mituna banging Kankri on the side probably would not be for the best emotionally for any of them. 

Not that she cared. She didn’t. She just needed someone he could stick with for a while, the longer the better. Horuss was free, but giving him another fuck buddy was a no go. Cronus was a sleazebag, and already shot down. _Ugh is he still going? You can’t have so many damn hang ups before a relationship is even established._ Was Porrim an okay option? She seemed more caretaker than bangable material –well for Kankri at least. She was running out of options fast, if she overthought this as much as Kankri seemed to be she’d have absolutely zero options and they’d both be shit out of luck.

“I know! Come, come! I find good one for you,” she began walking off proudly as she found an option that, with luck, would work out absolutely perfectly.

As they made their way through the dream bubble he began asking questions about relationships and what was appropriate. She gave quick yes or no answers to questions that did not warrant yes or noes and pretended to not understand the others. He seemed nervous, visually so, which confused her. He had an air of confidence to an extremely annoying degree but suddenly he was a pathetic little mess who seemed to forget all about the fact that her relationships tended to be really shitty. He quieted down after some time, which was nice. She reminded herself that this was what she was going to get to listen to all the time. Silence. 

As the got closer to their destination, Damara looked around. She had to be here, she almost always was, and sure enough there she was. Her cat lusis sprawled on the lilypad, purring and sleeping like a log. Muelin was leaning against her lusis, scribbling some such in her notebook. By the looks of it she had opened a new notebook.

“Meulin, I have hot sexy stud for you! Get him while hot!”

“Excuse me?!” Kankri hissed.

“While he hot is what I meant. Better? Or um, while he is hot. West Beforun so confusing for me,” she said, rolling her eyes.

As Meulin closed her notebook and turned to look at them both, Kankri grabbed Damara by the neck of her shirt, she shrieked out of surprise as he pulled her away. She quickly managed to wrestle out of his grip with a slight struggle and slapped his hand away. 

“あなたは私のシャツを裂くしようとしていますか？何してるの？あなたが鍬停止！”Damara straightened her shirt carefully as he glared at her and flung his hands up, he began to speak when he was interrupted by the thumping of feet coming toward them. Meulin slowed her pace as she neared them. She held her notebook while the pencil she had been using was propped behind her ear. She pushed the hair on the other side behind her ear and held her notebook closer.

“Are you two alright? I thought I heard someone calling me and then I definitely heard someone shriek! Are either of you hurt?” 

“Only both of us. In heart.” She received a quick jab on the arm, worth it if he gets her in bed though.

“Purrdon?” Meulin quirked an eyebrow and smiled. 

“She didn’t say anything Meulin. Haha, just her Eastern Beforun jibberish, you know how it is. Though, you can’t really hear so perhaps you wouldn’t know, would you?” Kankri looked to the side, “My, what nice weather in the dream bubbles today hm?”

Meulin peered down at her feet, “Sure, it’s nice. I try not to remewmpurr the bad things. You’re welcome for that…”

“Kankri, you bad at this. Let me,” Damara caressed Meulin’s shoulders gently, “Meulin. You cute. You want fuck yeah? You good at it? Of course you are. You make juggalo go fucking bat shit and yell so loud he break eardrums. Well you know who else maybe good fuck and wants to-MPMMPPH,” Damara grabbed at his arm as he covered her mouth, she tried to claw at his hand while he laughed awkwardly. He seemed pale, what a wiggler. 

“OOOKAY MEULIN THIS hahaha this has been great, really. But, you know, I just remembered we really must be going. I have this thing that I really must do. Damara said she’d help me that’s why we’re together right now. Not together like that, don’t misunderstand, I know you normally would which is why I am telling you not to,” briskly trying to make his escape, he squeaked and let his captive go as she licked his hand. She wiped her mouth giving him a scowl. 

“ダムであることを停止！彼女は美しいです。彼女のファック。それは複雑ではないです！" She mumbled to herself, looking between the pale Kankri and confused Meulin she heaved a sigh. She looked towards him and hissed, “If you no want me to do it. You do it. Now.” 

Kankri coughed and closed his eyes, crossing his arms in the haughty way he was so accustomed. Meulin looked at Damara for some sort of clarification for anything that was going on at all. Damara just hummed as Kankri began to speak.

“Meulin, I realize that I have not always been the kindest to you. There have been many a time where I could have stepped in to defend you when someone belittled you for your disability or your numerous number of annoyances. I apologize for that but come to you today to,” side eyeing Damara he continued, “…to ask you something. I would like to be clear before I ask that I seldom have entertained the potentiality of you as a matesprit or kismesis, but despite this, I am not entirely opposed to the idea. I believe that giving it some thought and weighing the options, in time, you could easily infer that the good outweighs the bad in having me as a possible romantic pursuer. To be honest, you would have to do much of the romantic pursuing since I am so uneducated on the subject and your matespritship was very well held together until its tragic end so I’ve heard. Uneducated is perhaps not the right word, I know quite a lot about the romantic entanglements of our species and how they are supposed to work, but there is always a difference between knowledge gained from others and firsthand experience. Of course, I would have to set up the boundaries since from what I know you had quite a sexual relationship, or have had them whether they were with Kurloz or otherwise. I am not against engaging in sexual endeavors further into the relationship but as of the moment, since I have not truly considered you before, I am not entirely sure if I am even attracted to you in that way. Which is not to say I could not learn to be, I could definitely put effort into doing so. Meulin, would you…” 

_No come on don’t freeze up now. You are so close you piece of shit. Do not blush that gross color. Do not run like a huge wiggler. Just ask. Holy crap I want to stab you so hard right now. _Damara reached over to him and shook him gently. Meulin tapped the edge of her notebook against her bottom lip as she tried to absorb all of the words thrown at her, watching Kankri’s unmoving lips, waiting. Kankri made a small um noise and Damara shook him again with a bit more gusto.__

___“Meulin would you –that is do you want to go out sometime?” Finally._  
“Like, as a date? An actual date?” Meulin’s voice was softened.  
“Yes.”  
“You?”  
“Yes, Meulin, me. And you, presumably.”  
“Mog Kankri, I didn’t really expect this. Do you think you could give mew some time to think it over?”  
“No.”  
 _Kankri. You complete piece of shit._ “We give you time! All time you need sweet catgirl. Kankri we have thing like you say early, yeah! Let’s go.”  
“But Damara, I want my answer.”  
“You get answer later,” speaking with gritted teeth, “do not be rude to sweet girls Kankri. Let us g-“  
“Um catually…I feel really bad but, I think my answer is no. I’m flattered but I don’t know if you’re really my type. Or that I’m your type fur that matter. You can’t force these things after all,” She shrugged with an apologetic smile, “Thanks for telling me though. I now have even more plot points for my fanfics.” 

__Damara heaved a heavy sigh as Kankri turned to Meulin shocked. He seemed offended, but he didn’t say anything. He just sputtered out unintelligible garbled words. She couldn’t tell if he was sputtering over the fanfic or the rejection but neither would help them get any closer to the goal. Damara coaxed Kankri to follow her and started to walk him away. Meulin marked something into her notebook, waved, and began to stroll back to her lusis._ _

__Walking back to the forest, Damara found a tree stump and sat down heavily on it. She huffed as Kankri lagged behind her and eventually stood next to her. Damara had only been to two trolls and she was already sure this plan was an absolute failure in the making. For one, he was not allowed to do the talking anymore, that’s for sure. But he doesn’t want her to do the talking either if that interaction was any proof. She peered up at the troll beside her, who seemed to be wound up way too tight and still frazzled. He was such a lost cause._ _

__“You a lost cause Vantas,” she frowned, “But I am the coolest bitch. You will get the nice nice and あなたは容赦なく、それらを性交するでしょう。毎日。毎晩 if Damara has anything to say about it.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad for the cronkri shippers, I didn't even really give Cronus a chance here.  
> I could have probably waited to post this fic until I had it all done but what's the fun in that? Short chapters always make me feel more accomplished than one whole thing anyways.


	3. Practice makes almost Perfect

“I really must get myself a translator since you keep interjecting your own sentences with your native language. I appreciate the fact that you’re trying to help me, I really do. But I am beginning to think that perhaps you are correct,” Kankri sat on a near log, placing his chin on the palm of his hand. 

Damara sighed, “You terrible at talking to girl. And boy probably.”

“I resent that. I have been speaking with others since the moment that I could form a cohesive sentence. I have improved on my social skills exponentially throughout both my time living and my time in the dream bubbles. If I was terrible at talking to others my conversations certainly would not last as long as they do. And-“

“See! You terrible. That is not hot, that boring as fuck. あなたは少し蜂のようにドローン。女王犯さいないもの。あなたがした場合は、ボールが爆発するだろう。” She leaned over, grasping at the top of the stump, close to him, “You need practice. You ever try to seduce before?” 

“No. I don’t believe it was ever in my interest to try and seduce one of my friends before, especially in the way that you seem to be implying. Much to my chagrin I have had instances of my subconscious emitting Freudian slips, but they are hardly worth mention. In fact I would rather not talk about those at all. Forget I said anything about those.”

“Dirty talk? You must have yeah?”

“No.”

“Sweet talk?”

“No.”

“Sexting?”

“No.”

“Kankri you suck.” 

“I was answering your questions! I thought doing so in a concise manner was what you wanted. I can go into more detail on every one of those. Perhaps I have done one of those before and I am just not seeing it. If you allow me to talk freely you may pick up on instances I did no-“

“No! I help you now, okay? Practice. We start easy! Talk sweet to me. ”

“Damara this is completely innapropriate-“

“You want date or no? I can talk to people for you. Get you sweet lay but you no want that right? Either you learn or I do for you,” She crossed her arms, as he murmured something to himself.

“Fine. But, you have to tell me everything, okay? What I’m doing right or wrong. In Western Beforun, none of your native tongue. I won’t learn anything that way. If I need assistance you’ll guide me, and not in an uncouth or inappropriate way. No laughing either, it will hinder the learning process.”

“Yeah, yeah, whaetever, practice make perfect. Go, go, go!” she crossed her legs and smiled as sweetly as she could manage, waiting. 

Kankri inhaled deeply, “Your…shirt compliments your eyes? -Now before you take that the wrong way I would like to make clear that this is no comment on your blood color or status in society. That comment could easily have been misconstrued due to the color of your shirt and how it matches your eyelashes, blood color, and full lips. Your lips are not too full though –I am not trying to say your lips are fat or on par with those normally seen in pornographic material or in erotic novels, on the contrary they are actually very pleasant despite the very slight similarity.”

Kankri smiled and cupped his hands together in his lap, intently staring at Damara. Her nose had a slight crinkle and a crease formed on her forehead. His smile faded as she turned away from him and groaned. 

“What? I thought that was rather good for a first attempt!”

“You start off okay.”

“Really?” Kankri’s smile quickly returned. 

“You start off okay.”

“Yes, you have established that.”

“The rest? Not so much. Here, let me teach you,” Damara swiveled in her seat to look at him face to face, “あなたは、桜の花のようなものです。あなたは最高のときには、美しい。あなたが落ちる場合でも、あなたは美しい。私は永遠にあなたを見たいと思う。”

“I have no idea what you just said and you completely disobeyed one of the rules of this lesson. I’ll let it slide though, would you mind translating?” 

Damara felt a heat rise to her cheeks, “You know what, let move on to fun stuff instead! Haha, how about dirty talk! Way more fun! I know ton of stuff to teach you. More expert on it. I like a dirty sexy talk Sensei. But first you try, I want to see what you know.”

Kankri’s face blanched, “Absolutely not! Perhaps when my relationship is already established I will come to you for advice on that subject but I don’t see how dirty talking will get me into anything but sex right away. I want a solid relationship, not some sad one night fling,” he turned away from her.

“どのようなばか。” she mumbled, she leant over to him, gently touching his arm as she whispered into his ear, “Talkin dirty is not hard Kankri…unless you want to make it that way among other things. But no worry, Damara help you out…with whatever you need help with.” 

“Damara Megido, you get back to your stump right now.” 

“Why you turned on?” She proclaimed excitedly.

“No. I’m not into that sort of thing. Dirty talking, pah, it’s a waste of breath.”

She leant toward him, placing her hand lower, “You know what wouldn’t be waste of breath? 

Kankri quickly got up, “We are done here. I will take my chances on speaking in a way I am comfortable, thank you. You may speak to them, but not for me. I am more than capable of talking to potential romantic partners,” he sighed, “but you can cut me off if I go…overboard.” 

Damara rose from her stump, “Fair enough. Who you want to try next? Meenah is big bitch but free. Aranea is somewhere? I don’t know but she free too. Cute Aradia free! Her friends may be too? You could go all xeno on my ass and try for one of the humans! They all free…I think.”

“You know, the humans do hardly know me, perhaps it would be nice to have a fresh –no no, I think it would be best to just stick with those I know.” 

“No! Kankri you like one? You kinkier than thought! We try!”

“No I was just –“ 

“I think I saw one of cute human boys earlier! We totally catch him for you! Come on!” 

“Damara! I- GUH!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silly interlude where Damara tries to teach Kankri some life lessons.


	4. Enter the love of your life: please?

“Damara, will you at least tell me whom you are dragging me to so I have time to prepare myself? I do not wish to be blindsided once again. I believe that is part of the reason that the last attempt proved futile, I had no time to compose myself. If you tell me who you’re bringing me to, I can formulate a plan in my head beforehand, that way I won’t cause anyone any type of discomfort.”

“I dunno his name. He cute though.” As she trudged her way out of the forest she noted that the meteor was most certainly gone. No worries, she would be able to find the human boy she saw despite it. Even if she doesn’t find that one, she’ll be able to find one. Somehow. In the place of the meteor was an expanse of desert sand, with blue hued rocks and glowing mushrooms peppering the scape in the distance. She walked onward, leaving prints of her shoes in the sand behind her. 

“You must know what he looks like then. Describe him for me, I am sure I can figure out who you are talking about.” 

“Nice hair. Nice Eyes. Nice nice. Shut up, you find out when you see him.” 

“I’m sorry but I thought you wanted to help me find a romantic partner, is that not the case Ms. Megido?” 

“Treat him the way you treat one you want to be with. It not hard no matter who it is. I do it all time,” she grumbled, “But he have black hair, happy now?. Dumb blue outfit, but still cute. 私は自分の乳首の周りに彼の歯を有する気にしないだろう。あなたは彼のペニスをお勧めします。私を信用しなさい。”

Kankri stopped and Damara exhaled a sigh and turned to him, “Uh, I don’t think trying to… get into a relationship with _him_ is a good idea. I mean, haha, he’s really not my type anyways! Let’s find someone else.” 

Damara stared at him, standing in place. A few moments of silence passed between them before Kankri began to fidget. Her eyes stayed firmly on him, despite the heat of the memory beginning to get to both of them. The sand shifted beneath his feet as he walked over to her.

“Fine. You’re right,” He lifted his sweater up and pulled it off in one motion, “I should at least give him a chance before I assume the worst. I just have a sinking feeling that he won’t be overly fond of the idea of being my romantic partner. If I remember correctly, I heard my descendent –or pardon my ancestor –there really must be an easier name for what we refer to each other, never the less, I believe I heard him mention this fellow you’re bringing me to. Black hair, heir of breath, evidently brilliant stunning eyes. Those are not my words by the way, I simply overheard a discussion and am quoting. But He was not open to any sort of relationship with my- with Karkat because of his sexual orientation. Which is of course completely okay, not everyone is attracted to every type of person and forcing yourself into a relationship with someone you are not attracted to is not healthy for either party. However, had he been willing to enter a relationship with Karkat, I feel as though I would have even more of a reason to steer clear from a possible relationship with him. I mean, you wouldn’t date someone that –oh what was her name? Aradia. Yes, Aradia. You wouldn’t date someone that Aradia was dating at the same time she was dating him, even in different quadrants, would you? Of course you wouldn’t. It would be much to awkward for every party involved-“

Damara tuned him out promptly after he removed his sweater. Hearing she was right was all she needed to keep walking and finding the blue boy wonder. So far there was no luck. She wasn’t overly surprised, people came and went through dream bubbles all the time, dead or alive they frequently left. A windmill spun, and stopped, and spun faster, and stopped, ahead of them. Damara had met another Rufioh who could do windy things like that and had an equally stupid outfit as the boy she was trying to find, maybe that was him. She began jogging with Kankri striding behind her quickly, keeping up with his speech. 

By the time she neared the large windmill she was not disappointed. This one didn’t have the blue eyes she remembered from seeing him last, but who cares!!! In fact, for the better! The deader they are, the more time they have to spend time with Kankri, which means less time for him to annoy her. He sat on one of the roofs of the hive and with a swish of his hand caused the blades to spin. A gust of air from an opposing direction caused them to stop rather quickly. _Of course. I can’t escape any Nitrams can I?_ Sitting on the roof next to him was one of Rufioh’s descendents. A dead one certainly, but last she heard the “real” one was out gallivanting with a bunch of his friends, not playing “let’s see who breaks the windmill first” with windy boy number one. Tavros Nitram wasn’t nearly as much of a _backstabbing son of a bitch who cheats on you with a huge sweaty albeit hung like a fucking musclebeast sack of shit while you’re trying to have some fun and make some new friends_. No, Tavros was much better than that. So she heard. He did get a backbone recently, or something? Good for him, as long as he doesn’t turn into a _piece of crap who only cares about-_

“Goodness Damara, did you have to run so fast? You know, if I was someone else you could have seriously-“\

“He up there. I get him for you?”

“Oh. So he is. No, I think –I mean, god, is that him? Okay, I –I can get him myself. Please do not worry yourself. In fact, how about I try this all on my own this time? You wait over there, if I need assistance I will call you. I have faith in myself and I am assured you also have faith in me since you have tried oh so very hard to get me this far,” he grasped the sweater in his hands, biting his lip. Shaking his head he looked at her, “Well, go on. I can do this. Trust me.” 

She squinted at him but held her hand out, “You be fine. I take your sweater so you do not look like a huge dingbat in front of cute guy.”

He handed her the sweater, giving his thanks. She nodded and walked a bit of ways before stopping to watch him. _This would be so much easier if he just let me do it for him._ He waved and pronounced something loudly to… John, at least she was pretty sure that was what Kankri had called to get the blue wonder’s attention. _What a lame name._ He motioned for John to come down, which he promptly did. Rather haphazardly too, which would be a good balance for Kankri she thought. Tavros still sat up on the roof, making the blades sway, he was in a stupid blue outfit too she now noticed, definitely not the real one. 

She drew her attention back to Kankri and John. Kankri was talking with his hands, a lot more than perhaps he should have been. Things seemed to be going well from where she was standing. Until Kankri started turning into a cherry. She had never seen his face get that red before, she could feel the embarrassment radiating from him. John felt it too, she could see it on his pathetic human face. She cringed, Kankri’s gesticulations were getting more closed, John scratched at the back of his head. The whole situation was growing more awkward by the second.

She clutched at his sweater. _He doesn’t want you to intervene Damara. If he fucks up that isn’t your problem,_ only it was her problem. She made it her problem the moment she opened her big mouth when he was complaining to her. She thought this would be easy. The redder he grew trying to convince John that a relationship between them was a good idea, the more she realized she was so, so, so, wrong. Damara looked down, the second hand embarrassment finally got to her. 

She heard Kankri clearly, his voice fluctuated and seemed to squeak. Never a good sign. She peered back up to see him walking away from John hastily. John floated back up to Tavros, who made some comment she didn’t care about, which may have gotten him a punch on the arm, but she didn’t bother to notice. Kankri made his way away from them, and her, faster than she had made her way toward them originally. 

After following him to another dream bubble she managed to catch up, out of breath. Which was obnoxious, she was dead, why did she need to breath? Kankri sat crouched on a black mass of rock, despite the sweetness of sugar cubes replacing the sand, there was some concerning pools of red liquid dotting the landscape. She wasn’t sure if it was blood or lava and she had no real interest to check which one it was. She stood behind him with his sweater in her hands. Quietly walking up to the mass of rocks, she sat down beside him.

“Did not go well?”

“What do you think?”

“I don’t know cherry face you did not let me listen close enough to know.”

“Cherry face?! How dare y-“ 

“You embarrass so easy. I not trying to besmall you or whatever. Your face is like cherry when you trying to do flirt or talk about love stuff. It’s kind of cute when it isn’t hurting to watch. Um, excruciate rather than hurting? I don’t know. Some word like that.” 

“…Oh,” he rubbed his arms, “it’s ‘belittle’ by the way not besmall.” 

“You learn something new everyday. Here,” she held out the sweater for him, “you hide you cute dumb face in this, it good camouflage.”

He grabbed it from her,“Okay, I know that one was meant to be hurtful. You should be glad I am not so touchy about my blood color, I could have been very offended by that. In fact-”

“You were though. You were offended by it. I not going to stop. Not when you look so silly. What happened?”

“I asked him out and he said no. Simple as that.”

“You did not get this red when you ask Meulin. Did get red. But not this red.”

“I –I fumbled a bit over my words, alright? That’s all. Just kept tripping over my own not so eloquent sentence structure and word choice.”

“You sure that it?”

He placed his chin in his palm, peering away from her. She shook her head and listened to his mumbled words, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

“I’m here to help you if you let me.”

“Even with your help…if anyone could ever stomach having me as a romantic partner it would be a miracle. I mean I think I’m great, but no one else seems to think so. I mean…I look good, right?” he turned to look back at her, “You think I look good, sexy even, right? People would not be disgusted while they copulated with me by my looks, right?”

“Kankri you ass is sweet as hell.”

“I wouldn’t put it in those words precisely, but yes I look amazing. I am amazing. Despite the fact that I know that I…I want an oath you won’t laugh at me, or scoff, or treat me like a grub for this,” she nodded to him, “Good. I…lose that when I talk to people Damara. Not all the time, of course! When I am talking about a general topic I exude actual confidence. But as soon as I try and speak with someone about trying to be with them it turns into a mess. My legs feel like jelly, my heart aches, my mouth gets horribly dry, I can’t retain who I am. I don’t think straight. And…regrettably, my face does flush horribly. I wish it didn’t. Thinking about something that is so unknown to me…scares me a bit, as much as I want to be with someone…”

He fell silent, and Damara watched him as he looked off in front of him. She felt incredibly out of place, like she shouldn’t have been the one he told all this, like it wasn’t her right to hear it. She almost wanted to give him a pat on the shoulder, but it seemed just as out of place as she was. She just looked at him, watching him, who was watching nothing. The color in his face had gone back to normal. He was pathetic really. Maybe even more pathetic than she was at this point. She almost felt sorry for him. Almost. 

He coughed, “That wasn’t exactly appropriate dialogue for two individuals who are nowhere near moirailagence, but I suppose that did help a lot on my end. I apologize if you were triggered at all by my venting.”

“No you dumb. But um, you feelings are normal. You nervous, this your first time…sort of. I understand. It hard to be comfy with something you not used to.”

“Yes, it truly is. Still I feel a bit sorry for putting you through that short f-“

“It was not feelings jam. You talk at me big boy no with me. That not what feelings jam is. Shut up. We go find someone you not fuck up trying to bang.”

“I am not strictly trying to have sex with them! You know-“

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let’s go.”


	5. Plunge into love!

Damara crouched down, looking in a crevice. Nothing but darkness and, most likely, rocks. She turned around and winced as the fake sun of the bubble beamed down. This place was awful. She jogged over the sugar cubes, hopping over a stream of thick red liquid and hopping across the black rocks she made it back to Kankri. 

 

“Kankri, you find anyone?” She teetered on the last rock, “周りマイルのための膣はありません！From what I saw anyway. ノーディックスどちらか。”

“I have yet to see anyone here. It would be odd for there to be an empty dream bubble though, wouldn’t it? I’m sure someone is here. We just have to look a bit harder. Again with the eastern berforan, you were doing so well. I would rather be able to understand exactly what you’re saying at all –oh are we walking, okay –as I was saying, I would rather be able to understand what you’re saying at all times so that I can fully understand. Otherwise it feels as if I am the victim of some cruel sick joke.” 

“You are not missing anything. Trust me. あなたは私を信頼する必要があります。あなたが性交したい場合。”

She looked over the red pool and hopped onto a rock, then another. She peered over her shoulder every so often to make sure Kankri was still following her. The blood red began to merge with a light transparent blue, and she finally thumped down on green grass. She squinted looking forward, the islands seemed to be connected by ropes and oddly colored tents. It was pretty disgusting looking to her, but she decided that as long as she could find someone here their décor choices were second on the list of things she should eat them out for. 

Maybe that was bad wording choice.

At the side of one of the islands, she saw a few figures sitting together. Kankri walked up next to her and followed her eye. One of them was gleaming in the ray’s light, a robot of some sort. There aren’t too many robots of a troll’s shape so it was easy to discern that one. By the shape of horns, or better yet _lack thereof_ there was a human with them. But Damara had trouble telling the humans apart, especially from this far away, and she was not going to attempt to ask Kankri. What might spew from his mouth was reason enough to keep her mouth shut. The other one was a Makara. Which one from here she couldn’t discern. Damara and Kankri gave each other a tentative glance and quickly turned to go back over the rocks again.

The Makara road was one that only lunatics or masochists took. She was not going to push him down that road. He’d get run over way too fast.

Except the rocks were gone now, they were trapped on this stupid island, surrounded by water. Damara couldn’t see any red mixing with the blue. _Thanks a lot eldritch gods for making the dream bubbles change so often_ , “You ready for swim?” 

“You’re joking right? We can just float over this mess or better yet wait for it to change again. I’m not risking getting near any potentially violent sea dwelling creatures.” 

“You rather risk a shack up with mystery date one, two, or three, over there?” Damara said, cocking her head to the side. 

Kankri gave a sideways glance at the party in question and shook his head, “Floating to safety it is.”

“Attract more honey with flies! Swim time! Swim time! Swim time!” 

“Okay first off the expression is “you attract more flies with honey than you dowith vinegar” –Secondly, I don’t want to swim. Damara, listen to me, there are potentially-“

“Really cute swimmy girls and boys for you to date? You on right track now Vantas,” Damara slipped her skirt off, “I promise no skin dip yeah?”

“Damara!” Kankri sputtered.

“Underwear exact like swimsuit. No complain,” after removing her shirt she tugged at Kankri’s sweater, “Do not be baka.” 

Damara walked into the water. Floating around and walking was boring, besides floating in the water was basically the same thing as floating around in the air, it just required less effort. Damara paddled a bit before Kankri actually followed her. 

“See! Way more fun, right? あなたは、ほとんど裸でいるときに、すべてが楽しいです。That is the law of world.” 

“I don’t, truthfully, find it all that exhilarating. However, don’t let me stop you from having a good time despite my slightest discomforts.”

“No worry, I won’t let this bother me at all!”

“…Wonderful.”

They floated around for some time. Damara was relaxing, and she hoped just a smidge he was too. She let out a breath, and reviewed the narrowing options he had left. Wait, who is she kidding? There were an infinite amount of options for him to fuck, right? With the way the bubbles are disappearing maybe not. No Mituna, no Latula, no Porrim, no Cronus, no Meulin, no John, no Kurloz, no little Makara, _no Horuss, **no Rufioh**_. There weren’t as many options as she started out with, but there are still plenty more. There are seven more humans to get through alone! That’s pretty good! None of which will probably like him but it’s worth a shot. Meenah is most likely a no go, but they can try. Aranea is a no show, but maybe she could track her down. She could definitely try and set him up with any of the other trolls though, those were all viable options. They were all juicy worms just waiting for Kankri to chomp down on them. Hopefully.

_Hopefully._

Kankri was such a prude. What was he even hoping to do on a date? No experience in flirting or anything beyond that. He was up the creek without a paddle and _holy fuck I am going to stab Meenah next time I see her. What the fuck is with all of these shitty fishy water puns._

Damara ducked her head under the water before spitting some of the water back out upon her return to the surface. Kankri nudged at her as she began to hear a series of loud giggles. Damara swiped the hair out of her eyes and peered over the water. There was an accumulation of grey rocks, on which sat two trolls. They were both giggling, probably at each other. She made a mental note not to stab Meenah since the source of all these fish puns was more likely to be radiating from the other heiress. The other trolls with her was huffing now, trying to recover from her giggling fit. She shoved at the other heiress. She was in a swimsuit and had silly blue goggles on. She didn’t seem drenched, or to have any water on her at all despite the swimwear. The young heiress was a different story. 

“甘い新しいキャンディ。ただ味わっされるのを待っている。あなたはどれが欲しいのですか？”

“Rephrase that please.”

“Who you more interest in stud?”

“Don’t pull a Cronus on me, Damara. I don’t know either of them, do you really think it would be appropriate for our first conversation to be about courting? Answer: No, it wouldn’t be-“

“This no stop you with blue boy.”

“That is entirely different-“

“Come on, one or two, just pick one! I distract other while you go in for kill.”

“…which one do you think would like me? MORE. Which one do you think would like me more?”

“So paranoia. Which body you prefer? I like both. I no picky.”

“That is entirely rude and-“ she shoved his head under the water, allowing him to come up after a second or so. He came back up spitting and hacking up water.

“Sh, you attract attention before decision.”

“Fine. I…Meenah would kill me if I got anywhere near her ancestor. You…distract her.”

“Wave at me if it no work out, you can try other hot beach babe!” Damara quickly swam to the rocks, Kankri paddling behind her.

As she got closer, the two of them turned around. The empress –the heiress smiled at her and gave a wave. The other one, who now that she was closer looked strikingly like Meulin also gave a smile and a fast nod. Damara heaved herself onto the rock, Kankri laid his arms on them, carefully folding them, but not emerging from the water with her. 

“かわいい女性そこにこんにちは！あなたは、私があなたを食べることがとてもかわいいです！外食？いいえ。それは彼の仕事です！” She smiled at them both and laughed to herself. They both looked at each other and smiled awkwardly. 

“You will, have to excuse her. She is not exactly fully knowledgeable on the Western Beforun language. However, she does know some, don’t you Damara?”

“Oh yes! I am no dumb. Haha! Sorry, sorry!”

“Pardon our intrusion, this is Damara Megido,” he winced, “and I’m Kankri Vantas.” 

The young heiress turned to be closer to them, “Well it is a pleasure to meet you boat! I’m Feferi, and this is my friend Net- sorry, Nepeta.” 

“Purrxies and Leijon,” The girl to her right perked up.

“Oh right! Sorry, not really used to having to give formaliseas anymore. You’ve met one of us you’ve met them all you know? Except not really, but with formaliseas typically, right? So you’re Aradia and Karkat’s ancestors? That is so coral.”

Damara looked at Kankri, _Coral? What the hell? God I hate both of them, I know the western talk but they throw me off._ Kankri looked away from her, “Yes, though we aren’t like them much at all.”

“So we’ve heard,” Nepeta said, rolling her eyes, “and witnessed in some cases.”

“Well I wasn’t disappointed.” Feferi giggled. 

“You don’t like Meulin?”

Nepeta shrugged at him, “It’s not that I don’t like her, purr say, it’s just…I was expecting something different? She’s still cool. Just, not what I was expecting. I do like her! I do, just, she’s very loud. My ears are furly sensitive…so…”

 _Good start lover boy. Go for the kill_ , “Feferi! You like swim right?”

“Duh!”

“We swim maybe? There lots water here!”

“Dude! You like to swim!? After we take a dive you need to convince Miss Leijon that water is awesome!”

“I don’t mind getting my paws wet, I’m just used to having to quickly remove my hand if I don’t snag a nice fish to eat. Some bigger fish will get me!”

“Wave-ever huntress of the land! I’m on the prowl for a nice swim and you are being the biggest wet blanket!” Feferi got up and went over to Damara, diving in to the water. Damara gave Kankri a quick nod and jumped in after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait! school stuff came up.


	6. Love transcends time!

The flower bent under the pressure as Damara poked and prodded at it. Laying on her stomach, she kicked her legs softly through the air. She titled her head to the side and sighed. Kankri sat next to her, holding his chin in his palm. So, Feferi and Nepeta were a no go, so pretty much everyone on the “acceptable for Kankri Vantas to fuck” list were no gos….so what? Damara would figure something out, her little protégé would find a fuck buddy even if they had to ask the Angel of Double Death himself. They’d been at this for weeks now. Kankri was quickly fed up after the first day and said it was better to just go back to the way it was, but then lo and behold he came crawling back to the not-so-master-of-romance the very next day begging for her help once again.

They’d tried those from the alpha timeline, and countless copies from doomed ones. Just as she guessed it was extremely awkward and embarrassing asking Latula. Same for Mituna. And especially so for Porrim. Kankri left halfway through asking Karkat, which she guessed was for the best, Karkat wouldn’t have said yes anyways. There were three trolls they hadn’t tried yet. Horuss, _Rufioh_ , and herself. She really didn’t want to stoop to that level, but as time went on, it looked like they would have to. 

“…Vantas…I think it time to go hard home.”

“Go hard or go home? Haven’t we already?”

“Yes. But, I let you try hand at…easy pickings. Well, after this next one, okay? I no like this asshole, but he treat love like royalty. Even if you go black, he would no hurt one hair on you. Okay he might after break up, 誰がしません？たぶん、あなたは赤い行くよ。彼は十分に悪いと感じた場合。”

“So, who am I trying to get with this time?”

“Horuss. Unless you have objection.”

“No, that’s fine. I would rather be in a relationship with Horuss than most of the people I’ve tried. Besides, you’re right, he treats Rufioh fairly well, so hopefully the same goes for his other quadrants.”

Kankri lifted himself off the ground. Damara reached her hand out after turning over and, after rolling his eyes, Kankri helped her up. 

“With hope he not treat kismesis too well. Be boring kismesis if he no brute to you somtime,” she smoothed out some parts of his sweater and fixed his collar, “I go talk to Horuss, play up big stink, you come in and since we go black, you maybe insult more yeah?”

“Sounds sufficient. Don’t go to hard on him though, Damara, we don’t want him to fall for you while we’re trying to make him fall for me-“

“死んだ馬を打つしないでください。私は彼を望んでいた。ブラック。彼は自分の血のように冷たい。私は彼にグロスです。でもあなたは？彼は簡単に落ちる。あなたはハンサムです。あなたは勝つだろう。”

“These pep talks, though still unintelligible, are actually succeeding in their purpose. Unless that wasn’t a pep talk, in which case, I apologize for assuming. You have in the past tried to psyche me into these situations by interrupting my doubts or what have you in the past, so you cannot really blame me for assuming. Damara? Oh we’re doing it right now? Alright well, I will wait here for a few minutes, that should give you enough time. You insult people extremely efficiently without much effort, not that you’re a bad person for doing so even if you do hurt people in the process. I feel in this situation it’s a good thing however, since in the end it should result in some sort of good. Mostly for me, but also for others involved…”

She walked up the stone stairs, growing closer and closer to Horuss’ sign held above the large metal doors. Moving the doors open with her telekinesis, she walked promptly into Horuss’ hive. 

“Horuss! 馬のペニス！出てくる。出てくる。あなたがどこにいても。”

“Damara?” Horuss emerged from a room on the second floor, looking down at her, “What are you doing here?”

Damara motioned outside of his hive, “外に来て！グロス男。私が話をしたい。あなたを侮辱！あなたの夢の男はあなたの救助に来る！”

Horuss walked down the stairs, “Is there something outside you wish to show me? I have been trying to work on that translator, it still has some bugs, I can go and retrieve it if that would make any explanations easier.”

He approached the bottom of the stairs when Damara grabbed his arm before he left to get it, “NO! I…no, unnecessary, I speak good! No worry. I practice, see? We talk outside, yes?”

“Remarkable Damara, I had no idea a troll of your status could speak two languages, albeit not very fluently. You must be challenging yourself to the upmost of your abilities.”

“….Haha, yes….Rufiohはそれを行うことができます。あなたは彼とは問題を見ない。私は下ですので、しかし、あなたは愚かなように私を考える。あなたは愚かです。わたしは、あなたが大嫌いです。鋭いものに自分自身をファック。あなたがディルドです。”

“It would probably be for the best if I trotted off to get the translator.” 

Damara dragged him outside of the safety of his hive, “No, no, that it I promise. Only language you understand now, promise!!!”

Damara plopped down on the stairs, Horuss followed her example after he gave a quick but careful look around. Damara could smell his salty sweat, and she resisted the urge to wipe her hands off on his coat. It would have just gotten them worse. She would have to wash off her hands later. He was disgusting, she hated him, she was tired of killing her “friends”. It grew boring after they kept coming back. _No time to waste time, Damara, time to work your magic_. She glared at him, and he looked to her and then looked away, sweating more.

“Gross.”

“Pardon?”

“I no know how Rufioh can stand you. Or any of that. You sweat so much and it stinks so bad. I wonder how many times you have had sex and how many times he repulsed by your odor. Too many times too count yes? You finish, he can’t, because you so gross. Why he even stay?”

“Damara, this is-“

“Like you no hear worse. You like it. Being talked to like you shit. I know. It not like Rufioh don’t talk at me just because I kill him and he betray me like I am almost as worthless as you. I find it funny, you think Rufioh just yours. That is never true. He hurt everyone.”

“Damara-“

“You treat me like I am stupid one. You are the stupid one. No one stupider than you. You know why? Rufioh like you for little while. He get bored. He leave and pretend. That all he do. Pretend. He use you, he use everyone. He go behind you back like he did with me, except it’s worse with you, know why? He desperate to get away from you, at least he just got bored with me-“ She halted as he began to laugh. It wasn’t scared laughter, it was honest laughter, “Stop. Why this?”

“Damara, I believe you need to explore the language further. Everything you’re saying makes zero sense,” Horuss smiled at her before getting up, “ I’m flattered you wanted to try your new grasp on language with me however. It was refreshing hearing something I could sort of understand coming from you.”

Damara got up, sputtering, “That- it- no! It was sense! I knew exactly what I saying! It broken but- UGH Rufioh never like you. Never. Listen to me you horse fucker! You whole afterlife has been one huge lie. You are terrible, you has terrible relations, Rufioh fuck you over, and you are not horse!!! You being insane by him!”

“Damara!” Damara and Horuss both looked to the stairs as Kankri approached them, “Of all people to be sensitive to insanity, I thought you would be one of the people who would not throw the word around all willy-nilly. However, I feel as though it is the least of your offenses here. Horuss struggles with his kin identity, you should not bring about potentially bad memories or feelings based around this subject,” Damara glared at him and he coughed, “But Horuss, you really brought this upon yourself.” 

“…I….brought this upon myself?”

“Yes, Horuss. You insulted Damara when you belittled he attempts at learning a language that for many years now she has shied away from learning, probably for fear of people like you shaming her not yet perfect ability to form coherent sentences. The fact that you have shamed her so and mocked her is something that warrants many an apology…”

_You got this little guy, I’m not sticking around for any possible gross make outs. No thanks._

As Damara traipses back to a safe distance away from the two she realizes how shoddy those insults were. Sure, they may have implanted some minor insecurities into his brain, but on the whole it seemed much more concerned anger than insulting rage. Oh well, she did her job, minor insecurities are what is best for a festering black romance anyways! She peered back up the stairs, apparently they’d gone inside or somewhere else, that’s always a good sign. The question of whether she should stay and wait for him to come in an annoyed red faced heap or to leave danced on her thinkpan for a moment. And then another few moments. And then a lot more moments. Actually, this is the longest one of Kankri’s attempts on, sort of, his own had lasted so far. 

It could just be fault to Kankri’s long sermons and Horuss ability to “listen” to them, but then again, it could be fault to actual black feelings beginning to be mustered. _Or red ones._ Damara deigned it right to head to another bubble, if Kankri failed he’d find her, he always did. 

*****

Damara regretted many things from her life, but the foremost had to be not finding out the end to one of her favorite manga. It was completely unfair. The maroon blooded male lead with all these beautiful monsters all across the hemospectrum going after him like he was the freshest meat in the market but learning that the maroon blood really only had feelings for the fuschia rainbow drinker and learning to love each other. The blue blooded succubus learning that her black feelings for the fuschia rainbow drinker were actually growing to be more platonic friendship and her pale feelings for the teal blooded icicle were just the cutest thing in the world! But she didn’t get to see if the teal blood reciprocated! Worst of all, the blue blood seemed to be beginning to garner feelings for the olive blooded werebeast, and she didn’t get to see how THAT ended either! Of course the maroon blood and fuschia blood were in love but the fuschia bloods alternate was even beginning to warm up to him! But noooooooo, Damara isn’t even allowed to see how THAT went. She isn’t even going to bother mentioning how annoyed she is about how she didn’t get to see the new amazing story lines with the violet blooded rainbow drinker, the jade witches, and the brown blooded witch so ironically named after her maroon “ruby” blooded master. 

Her irritation with not finding out the ending never stops her from rereading, she adores the series. As she flips to the next page of one of the issues she hears a faint knock at the door to her room. 

“え？それは誰ですか？”She put her manga back on the shelf, slipping it between the others.

“Damara? May I come in?” Oh, of course it’s Kankri. Who else would it be?

“Kankri！はい、はい！お入り。それはどのように行ったの？私はすべてを知ってほしい。私はすべてを意味するのです。詳細を惜しまないでください。”

Kankri opened the door, “I hope you said it was okay for me to come in,” He walks over to the couch that Damara is sprawled on. She inches over a bit so there’s enough room for him and he sits down. If he was a better person he would be gracious but she knows he’s not in the least. He looks at you as if it was the first time he’s looked at you since being here “What are you wearing?”

She looks down at herself, “快適な衣服。私は学校の女の子の衣装が好きです。私も自分のタンクトップで快適なパンツが好きです。これは犯罪ですか？”

“….right. Thanks or the explanation.” She gives a nod and he rolls his eyes, “Anyways, you want to hear how the whole thing went?” 

“うん！もちろん！”She nods again happily. 

He heaves in a large inhale, “It went.” 

Damara bounces, “Finally! You score big Vantas! Yes!!!” She almost goes to hug him, almost but she catches herself before he puts his hands up and waves them at her. She frowns. 

“It….it went in an odd direction. We agreed that if Horuss has more time…he would be glad to see me. But…as it stands all of his attention is currently to be focused on his matesprit. I…of course don’t blame him for that. His matespritship has lasted for a very long time and I am sure that it is well that he treasures it and wants to continue it in the way that he does-“

“You got to be fucking me right now Kankri. He say he no got time for you? He interested though? I make him have time for you,” Damara moves to get up but Kankri pushes her back onto the couch. 

“No need to be so over dramatic Damara. And, clarification, it’s ‘you have got to be fucking with me right now.’ What you said had an entirely different connotation to it. Regardless, this has put much more confidence into my romantic aspirations, as at least I know I have someone interested in me who, once he has more time, is going to be loyal and-“

“Stupid as fuck.” Damara crosses her arms and looks at him seriously. 

“…Okay, I know this is not even close to the ideal. He’s the first one who is willing who…is honestly remotely attractive. Let’s just take this as a blessing-“

“No. We are not going wait till end of time for you to get with somebody. This is bad idea. But I’m going to do anyway. You know who more attractive than Horuss? Rufioh. Everyone feel that way. Ready to date the hunk?”

“…Damara, Rufioh would never-“

“Rufioh do anybody trust me. You going to have date. Right now.” A chill goes down her spine, this is a terrible terrible idea. But, it will make Kankri happy, if only for a few days….that should sort of be worth it. Hopefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me a heck of awhile to do this chapter, it was mostly because I kept contemplating whether I should continue the long stream of Kankri failing or jump further and in the end I decided jumping further into time was for the best. Sorry to those who wanted to see how he failed with Nepeta and Feferi but know that he did. He failed so hard. Regardless I hope you enjoyed the chapter. If everything goes well there should only be two chapters left!


	7. Love is Fake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is absolutely filled with poorly google translated japanese, with that in mind for full reading pleasure please keep google translate open at all times. Also, when translating, I suggest not copying the quotation mark, as it can mess up the translation!

The door clicked as she closed the door to her hive. As she walked over to Kankri she patted her skirt to get out some of the wrinkles. She gazed up at him, and then quickly looked to the ground.

“ 彼はひどいです。あなたが破壊されます。あなたはとても幸せになります。ブロークン。その後。あなたは私を理解していない。しかし。あなたが傷つけているとき、私はあなたのためにここになります。”She lifted her hand to give him a pat, something reassuring, anything, “あなたはこのために準備ができていない。彼はあなたのためのロマンスを台無しにする。この後に私を憎むでしょう。しかし、私はここになります。私は約束する。誰も私に約束していなかった。” 

“Damara…” He didn’t want reassurance, he didn’t know he needed it. She knew that. 

“Yes. I know. Let us go.” She turned away from him, allowing her arm to slump back to her side. 

They made their way through the forest. Kankri spoke up every so often, as Kankri tended to do. She could tell he was almost offended by the fact that she didn’t interject. He must have thought she was ignoring him, which she had been learning not to. He didn’t stop talking, it would have made it obvious how hurt he was that she was choosing to ignore him again. Damara stopped. She stopped Kankri. Sighed.

“I’m going. I talk to him. You stay. I send him down to you.”

“What? But I always came into your conversations. You’re…you’re not going to tell him about, how to phrase this, our search? I’m not sure who doesn’t know about it by now, but I would appreciate those who don’t know to continue not knowing-“

Damara smiled and waved her hand at him, “No worry Vantas. When has Damara let you down and left you down huh?” 

“You have been rather persistent in helping me, but you have also been fairly embarrassing. Not to be rude, but many of your attempts to help had to do with commenting on my posterior or other equally good physical qualities. Or lying about how I would be in copulating, well not lying per se, but we don’t really know exactly how I’ll be in many of the acts you described since I haven’t partaken or heard of at least eighty percent of what you said. So-“

“I bring up your love-i-leeeee personality yes? Good. Now shoosh! I go.” 

As soon as she turned from him she stopped smiling. She placed her hand on the tree for balance and began making the ascent up to her _beloved Rufioh._ She could just float up there, sure, that would have been easy. It would have made meeting him faster, and she needed some time to figure out exactly what she was going to say.

_Hi Rufioh! Here’s a fuck buddy to use until you’re bored! And you will get bored! But at least it will give you an excuse to break up with Horuss! HAHA!_

_Hey buddy! Long time no see, yeah so Kankri wants you, that’s cool. You should go fuck him. AND THEN GET BORED WITH HIM AND TRASH HIM LIKE YOU DO EVERYONE._

_Damn nice day huh, Rufioh? Sure is a great day to ruin some of your friend’s emotions and dead-lives huh? Yeah sure does sound like a great day to do that! Ruining people, like you always do. Always. Destroy people. And. Wait to apologize until it’s too late. Or don’t apologize at all…..because obviously it isn’t your fault, huh Rufioh?_

Damara moved to step up again, but slammed her foot down twice on the wooden board below the canopy. Rufioh started as he heard and turned to her. _Good he should be afraid._ He wasn’t afraid and she knew it. He waved at her and had the gall to beam like he was the greatest troll to ever bless Beforus with his presence. She walked up to him, leaving some space between them. 

“ハロー馬ディック吸盤。”

“Way to greet a guy doll, what’s up?”

“残念な状況。”

“Shit girl, and what would that be? I mean, unless you mean the Horuss thing….but I mean that’s kind of a constant…”

“嫌が、ありません。友人はあなたを望んでいる。”

“Isn’t that kind of a constant too, doll… I mean, everyone likes me a little bit. Can’t really escape that…”

“グロス。今、私に耳を傾けると、中断しないでください。私は言うべき重要な何かを持っている。”

“…Alright, spill.”

Damara inhaled, “あなたは病人である。わたしは、あなたが大嫌いです。私はHorussを憎む。私はKankriを嫌いではありません。彼が誰かを愛したいと考えています。あなたは彼に値する最後の人である。彼はあなたを愛している。私は彼が好きだ。ロマンス。触る。ファック。あなたは彼と一緒にやりたい。それは私には関係ありません。しかし、彼を傷つけるしないでください。” 

Damara sighed, “あなたが彼を傷つけるなら...私はあなたを傷つけるでしょう。私はあなたを傷つけるでしょう。これは、前回のようにはできません。私は今、あなたを傷つける方法を知っている。あなたはとても哀れな感じになります。あなたは私よりも悪い感じになります。Horussより悪い。Kankriより悪い。しかし、私は実際に前にあなたを傷つけることがありませんので、あなたはそれをなぜ信じる。たぶん私は嘘だ。たぶん私は弱いんだ。たぶん私はあなたを傷つけることは決してないだろう。それはおそらく本当だ。 “

She turned from him, “あなたは私を笑う。誰もが私を笑う。彼は笑われるに値するしていません。悪い例のために。あなたは彼を台無しにします。あなたが私にやったようにしかし、彼を傷つけるしないでください。私はあなたがやった場合、私は二度とあなたに直面する可能性はないと思う。私は弱いです。彼は弱いです。あなたは彼を残して、必要がある場合、あなたは...いいでしょう。彼はそれを取ることができなくなります。それのいずれか。彼を残しながら、あなたはひどいな場合。”

They stood in silence before she turned to him again. She had a temporary awful sensation of wanting to apologize and embrace him. She had the sensation before, many times while she saw him with Horuss. She shook it off. He could see through her, she could see it in his eyes. He would have let her hug him, and say how sorry she was, and he would have loved it. 

She hated him.

“理解できますか？”

Rufioh nodded to her, “Yeah, but are you sure you understand what you’re saying?”

“...黙れ。”

“Where is the little Romeo waiting for me?”

Damara cocked her head to the side, closing her eyes. With her eyes shut, she could at least pretend he wasn’t there while he wasn’t spewing his gross voice everywhere. He walked to the edge of the wooden platform and looked down, “Alright doll…I’ll take good care of him while I can…”

She stood silently. 

“…you seem really willing to protect him though doll, haven’t seen you like this in… in a long time…you sure you want to pawn the guy off to me? Especially with, how you seem to feel about me?”

“私は疲れている。”Her lids were heavy when she bothered opening them. He was watching her, watching for her to slip up and beg for him not to hurt Kankri again. Show him how weak she was over and over, he was disgusting…she closed her eyes again and turned her back to him. 

He let out a breath, “Yeah, I feel you on that, D,” He spread out his wings, “See you around.”

She heard his feet hit the ground with a soft thud. She wished she didn’t. She heard Kankri and Rufioh talking to each other, softly murmuring, Kankri seemed pleased for the first time since they started. Truly happy, near ecstatic. She wished she hadn’t heard that either. She couldn’t tell what they were saying, working out something, some sort of black romance of some sort on Kankri’s part since he would never….he would never purposefully get into a quadrant that someone else has taken. Rufioh was going to twist it, she could tell by his tone, she didn’t need his words. He wanted to kick Horuss, he was going to use Kankri to do it. 

“ 彼は私を嫌います。”

“それはすべて私のせいであろう。”

“申し訳ありません。”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is supposed to be funny, I don't really know what happened.


	8. Epilogue: Love must survive!

_“She could torment frog aliens, too! Agh! Seriously, mom, this is bad hosting etiquette!It's stuck! What do I do now? I could lose him forever...._

_No, I need him for ideas!_

_And chores!_

_One...two...three!_

_Uh...yeah, what's up with you guys? I was just making a mixtape on the theme of karaoke and regret.”_

“I still do not quite understand why they are being so hospitable to an obvious invader hoping to take over their entire species (not to exclude those who feel that their exterior species does not mirror that of the species they know they are in their mind). It seems –not to offend –rather dim don’t you think?”

“He no threat. All talk no real bite.”

“Seems foolish-” 

“Yes. Does. But he a cute alien yeah?”

“I suppose he could seem that way too some. But would not most highbloods protect their culled with more fervor? It seems that this highblooded manga manager is –if not bodacious –not exactly fitted for her role over her wards.” 

“Better though?”

“It would have been yes. Especially so for one who excels so blatantly as Natsumi does. What caused her to be culled? She seems more than capable of taking care of herself and everything in this hive-hold seems to be holding her back much more than whatever situation she came from could possibly have done-“ 

She reaches to the remote to pause as the three trolls talk to their new alien friend and eventually see the ghost that inhabits the basement turned bachelor pad of their hive. This anime is one of her nostalgic-favorites but at the rate this is going it will take two hours just to get through the first episode. She rests back against the couch to continue to listen to Kankri’s tirade about the culling system and his condolences for Natsumi. Damara can tell Natsumi is going to be Kankri’s first anime waifu. This is truly a great experience to witness. She promises herself to not break out the body pillows quite yet. He is too innocent. _not_. But he would berate her with needless criticism about…well who knows what he’ll latch onto but it will be something most likely unrelated. 

Damara had avoided the sight of Kankri from the moment she let Rufioh near him. But low and behold as she was wallowing in guilt and rereading old pesterlogs that made her blood pusher pang even worse, there he came knocking on the door. She wasn’t surprised by the little he told her when they talked inside. She was even less surprised the more they talked over the course of the month as he visited her at an increasingly more frequent rate. She’d gone through a harsher version of what he had to go through, he understood why Rufioh was the last option on her mind, she understood most of his issues and listened to him as he prattled on and on. 

It was strange the first time Kankri actually started to listen to her. It was odd to see him listen, it was so often he only listened to himself. He seemed to pick up on most of what she meant when she spoke, despite it being “broken” which he started to not mention _nearly_ as much as he used to. He gave his insight, tried to be helpful, which was never completely helpful since it was of course Kankri Vantas, and he can never not lace anything with just a pinch of his own haughtiness, self-entitlement, and bias. But he seemed to try. That’s a lot more than she could say many others did. 

She started to admit to herself that she was getting attached and that scared her. She wasn’t ever sure if he was scared, he kept talking to her so she assumed he wasn’t. But they started to banter in between their issues, he still ridiculed her sexual commentary when he noticed it but he didn’t mind it –she could tell he didn’t. There was an odd comfort between them. A comfort she hadn’t felt for a long time. It scared her a lot. 

The actual conversations, the ones that hurt, only happened in private. But they never happened on piles of whistles and hentai. They happened on couches, they happened in kitchens, they happened in dream bubbles that they knew only each of them knew the way too. They touched, and it was comforting. Damara got to touch him, no one got to touch him, but she did. It wasn’t through force and he voiced _oh did he voice_ when he wanted her to not touch him. His hair was nice and _she_ got to pet it. His cheeks got a gross diluted red color when he was really angry or upset and _she_ got to poke them and mention how heated he was. _She_ was the one who got to lean up against him. He didn’t understand all of her words of comfort but he seemed to know what she meant. Damara tried to guide him in the right direction in broken language so he knew what she really meant. Kankri tried to guide her in the right direction in the most concise manner he possibly could so she knew what he really meant. 

They never put a name on it. Damara was scared too. She didn’t know how Kankri felt. He was seeking a relationship. He got one. She didn’t know if he ever bragged to people about it, but people didn’t look at her differently so she assumed he never brought it up. It was for the better. The less people know, the less people will try and steal him out of whatever quadrant he occupies. 

But she’s happy. She hopes he’s happy. He seems happy, except when he’s not, and she’s there for him when he’s not. She picks up the remote again.

“We discuss hot babe after episode end.”

Kankri stops and crosses his arms, “…fine.”

“Maybe after first season.”

“I am not holding my tongue for that long Damara Megido.”

Damara rolls her eyes and punches his arm lightly. She leans against him and he doesn’t push her away. She presses play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait for such a short epilogue! This epilogue gave me a lot of problems writing wise for some reason.   
> Despite that, I really hope you enjoyed my fanfic! This is the first fic I've ever finished. It's pretty exciting really! I'm really grateful for everyone who has stuck around to read it through, and to all of those who even gave this fic a glance. It means a lot to me. Thanks everyone!


End file.
